le crowndale cafe

While I conquer the washing machine and recover from Scotland, I thought I'd make an update on how I am getting along, as few people believed I am capable of feeding myself properly or even working a gas stove for that matter (turns out gas should be turned OFF if not in use).

Now that I'm unemployed again (The Courtfield and I went our separate ways..you can take the girl out of Wynnum, but you can't take the Wynnum out of the girl) the challenge has arisen to feed myself creatively yet on a tight budget. And I embraced this challenge head on and you will be pleased to see that I have come up with a delectable range of foods for any occasion that would nourish a growing young girl such as myself. So sit yourself down at le Shitspatrick Steakhouse and take a look as our finest chefs prepare you London's greatest dishes which are up there with Jamie Oliver and that other fat British guy from Masterchef.

THE SHITSPATRICK STEAKHOUSE

on Crowndale Mansions

**All meals are served with natural garnish freshly picked from the courtyard gardens (garnish subject to dirt and forces of nature) **

STARTERS

Black tea with wholemeal bread crust 67p

A la raw Toaste – a matured slice of bread wrapped in oxygen, lightly garnished with happiness 75p

Room temperature water (options available: still, fresh, tap, toilet, recycled) 25p

MAINS

French toast (no milk – lactose intolerant alternative) 1.50

May-or-may-not-be-off crispy garden salad 67p
A lucky dip of various leafy greens found in the Crowndale gardens garnished with natural dressing.

Medium-rare scrambled eggs $1
Taking runny eggs to a whole new level. Ideal for the adventurous eater or egg enthusiast.

Soup of the day – now with no ‘bits’! 90p
A vegan and gluten free alternative

Complimentary leftover balls
a delicious variety of bite-sized pieces of food served at room temperature served on cutlery and plate glazed in residual protein-synthesizing-saliva and lingering sauce

Baby food puree 70p
contains all essential vitamins and minerals essential for a growing human being pleasantly packaged into a small calorie restricted easy to digest meal

House Haggis 50p
best not to ask

DESERT

Tea with milk $1

Milk with tea $1

Chewing gum 80p

SIDES

Banana bits

Watermelon dregs

Meadow Cake

All meals are subject to seasons and income. Some food may contain traces of mould. You may remove/scoop out the mould yourself or ask one of our friendly chefs to do it for you for a 80p surcharge.

Tips are welcome. All meals are suitable for children. There is no free wifi. Unisex toilets are located on the right hand side of the kitchen sink.

I will update with Blink 182, revolving dancefloors at Shoreditch, getting fired, Edinburgh Fringe, Glasgow, Jenni's sad farewell and other stories from the vault soon. Living, working, AND STUDYING in London gets very tiresome you see.

As they say in Scotland, A NOD'S AS GUID AS A WINK TAE AND A BLIND HORSE, AY!